The book Lost Connections by Johann Hari arrived at our house the way so many books do – unannounced, in an amazon box with three other books we would soon be struggling to find time to read. I hadn’t been the one to order it, and frankly, it looked like a slog. “Uncovering the Real Causes of Depression and the Unexpected Solutions” sounded like exactly zero fun.
I cracked it anyway, figuring that I would skim the chapters, maybe walk away with an idea or two. Instead, I was totally sucked in. Hari writes with clarity and brilliance, shining a light on the parts of our culture that contribute to and sustain depression and anxiety. It’s a must-read for anyone who has struggled with these mental health issues.
The book is divided into two main sections, the first describing the social contributors to depression, and the second dedicated to solutions. In many ways the second section is harder to read than the first – so many solutions to our social ills would seem to require radical changes. And with kids and families and careers, these kinds of changes can seem impossible, or too much of a cost. But Hari makes the case that not all anti-depressants require drastic changes. Some only require a refocus on our values.
Hari illustrates this with the story of a personal finance professional who was asked to teach a class on budgeting for parents and teens. Nathan thought he was going in to the class to discuss basic budgeting concepts only to discover that the real issue these families were facing wasn’t understanding how to track or plan with their money, but the tension between the teens’ desire for status goods and the very real financial constraints the families experienced. Wanting status goods was creating tension and sadness within the households and had social implications for the kids at school.
It was off the cuff, but Nathan had an idea – he asked everyone to take some paper and write two lists. List one was what they each valued most. List two was what they wished they could spend their money on. Then compare.
Unsurprisingly, when placed in the context of core values, suddenly a Nike sneaker looks far less important regardless of your age. For the families gathered that night, Nathan had performed a magic trick of sorts, releasing people from their stress and sadness around money. The challenge, of course, is to remember that comparative values lesson daily, despite being bombarded with thousands of advertisements, social media posts, and messages that what we have isn’t enough.
Continuing to come back, as a practice, to focus on our chosen values is the inoculation we need against the messages we get from society about how to spend not just our money, but also our time, and our attention. By clarifying what give us purpose and meaning, we create resilience and freedom enabling us to chart our own path to growth.
And, as Hari suggests, focusing on our own values might even allow for true joy.
